Top Philosophy Jokes, Philosophy Puns, Philosophy Dad Jokes & More

In this very funny joke compilation, we have come up with the best philosophy jokes, philosophy puns and philosophy dad jokes to make you laugh.

Laugh Out Loud: Top 10 Hilarious Philosophy Jokes

1. Why did the existentialist break up with his girlfriend? Because he couldn’t find meaning in their relationship.
2. How many solipsists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, because the rest of us are just figments of their imagination.
3. My favorite philosopher is Kant. He really knows how to transcendentalize a situation.
4. Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Would you like a drink?” Descartes says, “I think not,” and disappears.
5. Why did the logical positivist go to therapy? Because he couldn’t make sense of his own emotions.
6. How do you know if a philosophy major is at a party? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.
7. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… or does it?
8. Why did the Stoic only write in lowercase? Because they believed in minimizing emotions.
9. A utilitarian, a deontologist, and a virtue ethicist walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?” They all say, “For the greater good.”
10. How does a nihilist celebrate their birthday? They don’t, because life has no inherent meaning.

Wittgenstein Walks Into a Bar: Classic Philosophical Humor

1. Why did Wittgenstein become a bartender? So he could ask everyone, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”
2. Hegel and Schopenhauer walk into a bar. Hegel says, “This bar is the epitome of the absolute spirit.” Schopenhauer replies, “I just want a beer.”
3. Why did Nietzsche only eat organic food? Because what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger.
4. Why couldn’t the existentialist find his keys? Because life is meaningless and nothing matters.
5. How many phenomenologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who’s to say the lightbulb even exists?
6. Why did the postmodernist go to therapy? Because reality was a construct.
7. A solipsist, a relativist, and an idealist walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What is truth?” They each reply, “It’s all subjective.”
8. Why did the epistemologist go to the optometrist? To get their beliefs in focus.
9. A deconstructionist a grammarian and a semiotician walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
10. Why did Mary the color scientist cross the road? To see if the other side was really red or just her imagination.

Making Socrates Proud: The Funniest Philosophy Jokes of All Time

1. Why did Socrates never get lost? Because he always followed his own footnotes.
2. How did Thales stay cool in the summer? He carried an umbrella made of water.
3. Why did Aristotle carry a lyre wherever he went? In case he needed to find the right tone for an argument.
4. Pythagoras walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?” Pythagoras replies, “Just keep the drinks in a triangle formation.”
5. How does Plato like his eggs? In the realm of the Forms.
6. Why did Diogenes start living in a barrel? He couldn’t find anyone honest enough to rent him a house.
7. Why did Empedocles break up with his girlfriend? He said they were just a mixture of the four elements going through a temporary phase.
8. How did Heraclitus like his coffee? He refused to drink the same cup twice.
9. Why did Zeno never finish his race against the tortoise? Because he believed in the power of infinite division.
10. Why did Epicurus never go to parties? Too many distractions from the pursuit of pleasure.

Nietzsche, Freud, and a Chicken: Unexpectedly Funny Philosophical Puns

1. Why did the chicken cross the road, according to Nietzsche? To assert its will to power over the other side.
2. How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
3. Freudian slip: When you say one thing, but mean your mother.
4. Why couldn’t Kierkegaard get a date? He was always too afraid of commitment.
5. Why did Machiavelli start a bakery? To prove that you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
6. How did Rousseau survive in the wilderness? By living the original organic lifestyle.
7. Why did Hobbes refuse to play hide-and-seek with Locke? Because he believed in the state of nature, where everyone is always seeking.
8. What did Hume say to Berkeley when they met at the coffee shop? “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”
9. How did Thomas Aquinas organize his bookshelf? By the virtue of order.
10. Why did Pascal always carry a calculator? He believed in the scientific method of proving God’s existence.

A Descartes Walks Into a Room: Mind-Blowing Philosophy Jokes to Make You Chuckle

1. Descartes walks into a room and the bartender asks, “Are you having a drink?” Descartes responds, “I think not,” and vanishes.
2. Why did Derrida delete his social media accounts? Because he believed language was just a construct.
3. How many stoics does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they found enlightenment in the darkness.
4. Why did Leibniz go to the beach with a calculator? To count the grains of sand and prove the theory of infinite possibilities.
5. Why did Malebranche avoid going to the gym? He believed in the occasionalism of muscle movements.
6. How does Spinoza like his pizza? With a side of pantheism.
7. Why did Berkeley refuse to play poker with Materialists? Because he believed everything was just an idea in the mind of God.
8. How did Whitehead and Russell come up with the theory of Principia Mathematica? They just put their heads together.
9. Why was Avicenna always calm during debates? He believed in the tranquility of the soul.
10. Why did William James never go on diets? He believed in the pragmatism of indulging in all experiences.