In this very funny joke compilation, we have come up with the best measurement jokes, measurement puns and measurement dad jokes to make you laugh.
Ruler of the Comedy Scene: Hilarious Measurement Jokes
1. Why was the ruler unhappy? Because he couldn’t measure up to anyone else’s expectations.
2. What did the ruler say to the pencil? “You’re looking sharp today!”
3. Why did the ruler get kicked out of school? Because he couldn’t keep things straight.
4. What did the ruler say to the calculator? “You can count on me!”
5. Why was the ruler always invited to parties? He knew how to go the extra inch.
6. What’s a ruler’s favorite music genre? Ruler ‘n’ roll!
7. What did the ruler say to the protractor? “You’re my right angle!”
8. Why did the ruler go to therapy? He had some serious length issues.
9. What did the ruler say to the eraser? “You rub me the wrong way!”
10. How did the ruler become a king? He ruled with an iron fist!
The Height of Humor: Side-Splitting Measurement Jokes
1. Why was the height-obsessed comedian always popular? He always stood out in a crowd.
2. Why don’t mountains complain about their height? They have peak confidence.
3. Why was the tall building so successful? It had a great foundation.
4. What’s a tree’s favorite way to measure its height? By using its tree-mendous growth chart.
5. Why did the scarecrow get promoted to head farmer? He always stood head and shoulders above the rest.
6. How do you measure a dinosaur’s height? With a dino-meter!
7. Why did the giraffe win the height contest? Because it had a leg up on the competition.
8. What did the short circuit say to the power line? “You’re way over my head!”
9. Why don’t short people like high-fives? It’s over their heads.
10. What did the short bakers say to the tall cake? “You really take the cake!”
Don’t Weight, There’s More: Gut-Busting Measurement Jokes
1. Why did the weight scale break up with the calculator? They couldn’t seem to find a healthy balance.
2. What did the scale say to the gym? “You really weigh on my mind.”
3. Why did the weight lifter break up with his dumbbells? They couldn’t hold a heavy conversation.
4. What do you get when you cross a weightlifter and a mathematician? A muscle equation.
5. Why did the diet coach go broke? She couldn’t weigh the cost of her advice.
6. Why did the calorie go to school? It wanted to become a weightier topic.
7. What did the scale say to the mirror? “You reflect me perfectly!”
8. Why don’t weight watchers like to tell secrets? They have a lot of scale-tipping information.
9. What did the treadmill say to the exercise bike? “We really need to weigh in on this conversation.”
10. Why did the scale go to therapy? It had some serious weight issues to work through.
Yardstick Yucks: Laugh-Out-Loud Measurement Jokes
1. Why was the yardstick always good at karaoke? It could really measure up to the competition.
2. What did the yardstick say to the tape measure? “Let’s stick together!”
3. Why did the yardstick become a carpenter? It had a lot of board experience.
4. How did the yardstick become the life of the party? It always knew how to measure the room.
5. Why did the yardstick go to the comedy club? It had a lot of funny inches.
6. What did the yardstick say to the ruler? “You’re just a centimeter away from greatness!”
7. Why was the yardstick always happy? It had plenty of feet to stand on.
8. Why did the yardstick go on a diet? It needed to get back to its roots.
9. What’s a yardstick’s favorite holiday? Rulerween!
10. Why was the yardstick the best detective? It never missed a footstep.
Miles of Smiles: Rib-Tickling Measurement Jokes
1. Why did the mile marker lose its job? It just couldn’t keep track of things.
2. What did the mile marker say to the kilometer marker? “You’re really kilo-ing it!”
3. Why did the marathon runner break up with the mile marker? It just couldn’t keep a steady pace.
4. How do you make a mile marker laugh? You give it a mile-long joke.
5. What did the mile marker say to the road sign? “You really point me in the right direction!”
6. Why was the mile marker always invited to parties? It knew how to go the extra mile.
7. What’s a mile marker’s favorite song? “Miles Away” by Madonna.
8. Why did the mile marker go to therapy? It had some serious distance issues.
9. What did the mile marker say to the GPS? “You really know how to measure up!”
10. Why did the mile marker become a motivational speaker? It knew how to inspire people to go the distance.